Managing the Crazy

Well I made it almost three days.
My parents left Sunday morning and I made it until this afternoon before taking Eli to the doctor.
He has had some congestion and I swear I keep hearing him go back to making those tiny grunting sounds that he made when he was born and had such trouble breathing. Eric heard the grunting sound over the phone and I consider myself lucky to have a spouse that encouraged me to call the doctor instead of telling me I was imagining things (entirely possible we all know considering our situation).
So I took him in and the good news is that Eli is gaining weight. He is now 9 pounds. The bad news was that Eli probably does have a cold. However, the doctor decided to be extra cautious and take his pulse ox which was 98 - good news. Also at this time his lungs sound good - however since he is more susceptible to respiratory distress, the doctor wants to keep an eye on his little cold. As if I'm not keeping a crazy eye on him all the time anyway.
When my parents were here they really helped me control the crazy. I think I did pretty well making it almost three days before caving in. And the doctor agreed it is important to be overly cautious considering Eli's roller coaster ride.
When I am by myself with the baby I get nervous. His tiny grunts, or short breaths, or little pauses in breathing are magnified when alone. My parents were such an amazing help these past few weeks. It nearly broke my heart when they left Sunday. My dad had been taking Jackson to and from school, bringing back breakfast, helping with projects around the house, picking up tiny sweets to celebrate Eli's birthday milestones, taking Jackson to see Santa, driving me around before I got cleared to drive again and even getting us some scales so we could see if Eli was gaining weight.
My mother managed the household while I recovered physically and mentally. She cooked for every meal, cleaned the house, unpacked boxes, kept the laundry under control, got the groceries, got Jackson dressed and fed for school, helped get the Christmas decorations up, basically ran the house. The lists are endless. We miss them so much. Jackson keeps asking me why Mam and Grandad don't live with us anymore.
Most importantly they really helped me feel safe. Safe about Eli. It's comforting to be able to say to someone who has been around Eli if they think that soft noise is grunting, if he looks blue, if he is breathing ok, etc.
I know I could easily make myself crazy with all this baby business and I am working on trying to relax. I just need a little more time. Mostly I need Eli to get a little bigger. A little stronger. I feel like once he gets a bit bigger and maybe less fragile I will feel more relaxed. That's my plan anyway.... again here is where I am always open for advice...
Hopefully I will last longer than three days this go round. I don't think I can convince the doctor to allow for a weekly Eli appointment for the next year or so.
In the meantime, Eric and I are trying to get back to a sense of normal even though we are still unclear on what Eli's normal is or will be.
With everything that has been happening to our extended family right now, we just don't ever seem to reach normal. We are living at a heavily-emotional state. Not a healthy place in the long run.
My parents helped maintain that sense of normal- especially for me.
I really miss my mom and dad.


Flare Tuland said…
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Flare Tuland said…
Mom and Dad miss you too!
Anonymous said…
And it is all going to be fine little by little by little,sort of like "baby steps".

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