I've thought about how to put it all into words and sometimes it is too daunting to even approach. I relive some of it every day.
The sadness, the procedures, the beginning of beginnings. But it is too draining to locate and pluck out just the right words.
So I realized the best way to sum up the last year would be through the retelling of a conversation I had with Jackson on a car ride back from Fort Smith.
We had just visited Eric's parents for Memorial Day weekend. On the way back, it became apparent to us that Jackson had been listening to some of our grown-up conversations because the conversation started like this:
Mama, you're not pregnant. You have to have a baby in there to be pregnant.
But I am pregnant.
No, you just ate a lot.
No, there is a baby in there.
No Mama, you don't have a baby. You had a baby, but it didn't work out. It was sick and they had to take it out.
Yes. But what if I told you there was a another baby? That we are trying again with another baby?
A new baby?!!
A new baby in there?!!
Can I touch it?
Mama, I gave your baby a kiss.
You are such a sweet boy.
Mama, I hope this works out better. You better get lots of sleep and eat all your vegetables because that baby is hungry.
Mama, I won't be a big brother until that baby comes out. And then when that baby sees me it is gonna freak out!